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How to proofread your friend’s essay without sounding like a total idiot
BY LILIA VEGA | STAFFLAST UPDATED 1 MIN AGO
If you’re an English major or just a generally nice person, you have likely been asked by your friends to proofread their papers. But sometimes it’s difficult to find the right words to say. How are you supposed to sound like an intelligent, capable proofreader when you don’t have a rudimentary understanding of nongovernmental humanitarian organizations in Haiti? Or Kant’s pillars of philosophy? Or anything, really, that doesn’t pertain to your specific area of study? Don’t worry; we’ve got you covered.
1. Correct their grammar.
Your friend: So I’m not sure how to best incorporate German nationalism in the wake of the first World War into a thesis that focuses primarily on travel literature produced by Scottish brothers James and Finlay Muirhead for the Allied powers —
You: Semicolon!
Your friend: What was that?
You: Blatant misuse of a semicolon. Clearly, a comma would be better suited for that sentence.
Your friend: OK, but what about my thesis —
You: Aha! Pretty sure you meant “were†instead of “was†here. Obviously, this sentence is in the conditional tense, old sport.
Your friend: IT’S A FREAKIN’ TYPO; JUST TELL ME ABOUT MY THESIS.
2. Insert random facts about stuff you actually know to make yourself sound smarter.
You: I see that you mentioned in this sentence right here the infamous con artist Victor Lustic. Well, that reminds me of another story about a fellow named MacGregor, who in the 1820s masqueraded as the Cacique of Poyais, a fictional British settlement in Latin America, and sold parcels of fake land to unwitting British colonists.
Your friend: How is that at all relevant to my paper?
You: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS, OK?
3. Repeat their own words back at them.
Your friend: I’m not really sure what to say here. I guess I want to insinuate that Hetty’s infanticide and subsequent removal from the novel is indicative of a double narrative, in which the reader is meant to pity Hetty while at the same time condemn her for her actions.
You: Uh … so you’re saying there’s a double narrative?
Your friend: Exactly! I couldn’t have said it better myself! Thank you.
You: *sips tea*
4. Correct their citations.
You: These are a lot of numbers for an English paper.
Your friend: Uh, it’s not an English paper … it’s a sociology paper.
You: Are you sure? This looks like an English paper.
Your friend: No, it’s a sociology —
You: BECAUSE LAST TIME I CHECKED, SOCIOLOGY PAPERS USED ASA STYLE GUIDE CITATION, NOT MLA. YOU CAN UNDERSTAND MY CONFUSION, RIGHT?
Your friend: WHY ARE YOU YELLING? GOD, YOU’RE SUCH A PRETENTIOUS SACK OF HERNIAS.
5. Point out the really obvious hole in their argument.
You: So this is a great paper, but you do know that Donnie Darko is not actually schizophrenic, right? It’s revealed at the end that all his delusions and hallucinations are real.
Your friend: … Oh. I did not know that.
You: It’s OK. I have a better example of a schizophrenic character that you can use.
Your friend: You are being surprisingly nice for once.
You: EXCUSE YOU; I AM ALWAYS NICE. I READ YOUR DUMBASS PAPERS WHENEVER YOU ASK, DON’T I?
6. Keep your stubborn mouth shut if you disagree with their argument.
Your friend: So obviously James Stewart’s character in “Rear Window†is the best example of Camus’ existential hero.
You: …
Your friend: Are you OK? You’re gritting your teeth.
You: No, ‘m OK.
Your friend: It looks like you’re biting your tongue now. Oh my god, is that blood leaking out of your mouth?
7. If their thesis is summary, it’s not a thesis.
You: Could you give a brief summary of the second Industrial Revolution?
Your friend: Uh … it was a time of rapid industrial development that began in the latter half of the 19th century and ended around the beginning of the 20th century.
You: And what’s your thesis?
Your friend: The second Industrial Revolution was a period of history that began in the latter half of the 19th century and ended around the beginning of the 20th century in which there was rapid industrial development.
You: Do you see the problem here?
8. If it smells like bullshit, it’s probably bullshit.
You: This essay reminds me of something.
Your friend: Really?
You: Yeah. Another essay called “The Analysis of Major Characters Page†on Sparknotes. Girl, this is some old bullshit right here. Also, you kept referring to Oberon as “she.â€
9. If they look like they just got dragged out of hell and the essay is due in a few hours … you should probably just lie to them.
Your friend: *weeping* I haven’t slept in 48 hours, I spent at least 24 of them vomiting chicken noodle soup and I’m not sure if this essay is actually an essay or just the result of a crazy hobo fever dream.
You: *looks at paper* No, no, sweetie. It’s fine.
Your friend: Really? I spent five minutes trying to remember how to spell my name.
You: Sssh . . . everything is going to be OK. It’s over now. There, there. This is perfect.
10. Maybe sneak in inspirational Don Draper quotes just for the hell of it.
Your friend: I’ve decided I’m going to change my topic because I’m having trouble filling 10 pages with analysis. I’m just afraid my new topic will be too risque.
You: Success comes from standing out, not fitting in.
Your friend: Well, thanks for your help. I’m not looking forward to rewriting my entire paper.
You: We’re going to sit at our desks and keep typing while the walls fall down around us because we’re creative — the least important, most important thing there is.
Your friend: Wow. That was … beautiful. I didn’t know you had it in you.
BY LILIA VEGA | STAFFLAST UPDATED 1 MIN AGO
If you’re an English major or just a generally nice person, you have likely been asked by your friends to proofread their papers. But sometimes it’s difficult to find the right words to say. How are you supposed to sound like an intelligent, capable proofreader when you don’t have a rudimentary understanding of nongovernmental humanitarian organizations in Haiti? Or Kant’s pillars of philosophy? Or anything, really, that doesn’t pertain to your specific area of study? Don’t worry; we’ve got you covered.
1. Correct their grammar.
Your friend: So I’m not sure how to best incorporate German nationalism in the wake of the first World War into a thesis that focuses primarily on travel literature produced by Scottish brothers James and Finlay Muirhead for the Allied powers —
You: Semicolon!
Your friend: What was that?
You: Blatant misuse of a semicolon. Clearly, a comma would be better suited for that sentence.
Your friend: OK, but what about my thesis —
You: Aha! Pretty sure you meant “were†instead of “was†here. Obviously, this sentence is in the conditional tense, old sport.
Your friend: IT’S A FREAKIN’ TYPO; JUST TELL ME ABOUT MY THESIS.
2. Insert random facts about stuff you actually know to make yourself sound smarter.
You: I see that you mentioned in this sentence right here the infamous con artist Victor Lustic. Well, that reminds me of another story about a fellow named MacGregor, who in the 1820s masqueraded as the Cacique of Poyais, a fictional British settlement in Latin America, and sold parcels of fake land to unwitting British colonists.
Your friend: How is that at all relevant to my paper?
You: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS, OK?
3. Repeat their own words back at them.
Your friend: I’m not really sure what to say here. I guess I want to insinuate that Hetty’s infanticide and subsequent removal from the novel is indicative of a double narrative, in which the reader is meant to pity Hetty while at the same time condemn her for her actions.
You: Uh … so you’re saying there’s a double narrative?
Your friend: Exactly! I couldn’t have said it better myself! Thank you.
You: *sips tea*
4. Correct their citations.
You: These are a lot of numbers for an English paper.
Your friend: Uh, it’s not an English paper … it’s a sociology paper.
You: Are you sure? This looks like an English paper.
Your friend: No, it’s a sociology —
You: BECAUSE LAST TIME I CHECKED, SOCIOLOGY PAPERS USED ASA STYLE GUIDE CITATION, NOT MLA. YOU CAN UNDERSTAND MY CONFUSION, RIGHT?
Your friend: WHY ARE YOU YELLING? GOD, YOU’RE SUCH A PRETENTIOUS SACK OF HERNIAS.
5. Point out the really obvious hole in their argument.
You: So this is a great paper, but you do know that Donnie Darko is not actually schizophrenic, right? It’s revealed at the end that all his delusions and hallucinations are real.
Your friend: … Oh. I did not know that.
You: It’s OK. I have a better example of a schizophrenic character that you can use.
Your friend: You are being surprisingly nice for once.
You: EXCUSE YOU; I AM ALWAYS NICE. I READ YOUR DUMBASS PAPERS WHENEVER YOU ASK, DON’T I?
6. Keep your stubborn mouth shut if you disagree with their argument.
Your friend: So obviously James Stewart’s character in “Rear Window†is the best example of Camus’ existential hero.
You: …
Your friend: Are you OK? You’re gritting your teeth.
You: No, ‘m OK.
Your friend: It looks like you’re biting your tongue now. Oh my god, is that blood leaking out of your mouth?
7. If their thesis is summary, it’s not a thesis.
You: Could you give a brief summary of the second Industrial Revolution?
Your friend: Uh … it was a time of rapid industrial development that began in the latter half of the 19th century and ended around the beginning of the 20th century.
You: And what’s your thesis?
Your friend: The second Industrial Revolution was a period of history that began in the latter half of the 19th century and ended around the beginning of the 20th century in which there was rapid industrial development.
You: Do you see the problem here?
8. If it smells like bullshit, it’s probably bullshit.
You: This essay reminds me of something.
Your friend: Really?
You: Yeah. Another essay called “The Analysis of Major Characters Page†on Sparknotes. Girl, this is some old bullshit right here. Also, you kept referring to Oberon as “she.â€
9. If they look like they just got dragged out of hell and the essay is due in a few hours … you should probably just lie to them.
Your friend: *weeping* I haven’t slept in 48 hours, I spent at least 24 of them vomiting chicken noodle soup and I’m not sure if this essay is actually an essay or just the result of a crazy hobo fever dream.
You: *looks at paper* No, no, sweetie. It’s fine.
Your friend: Really? I spent five minutes trying to remember how to spell my name.
You: Sssh . . . everything is going to be OK. It’s over now. There, there. This is perfect.
10. Maybe sneak in inspirational Don Draper quotes just for the hell of it.
Your friend: I’ve decided I’m going to change my topic because I’m having trouble filling 10 pages with analysis. I’m just afraid my new topic will be too risque.
You: Success comes from standing out, not fitting in.
Your friend: Well, thanks for your help. I’m not looking forward to rewriting my entire paper.
You: We’re going to sit at our desks and keep typing while the walls fall down around us because we’re creative — the least important, most important thing there is.
Your friend: Wow. That was … beautiful. I didn’t know you had it in you.
*cries*
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