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The Biggest Mistake Men Make

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  • The Biggest Mistake Men Make

    The Biggest Mistake Men Make

    To the surprise of absolutely no one, men around the world screwed up again. Normally, I don’t need to point that out. That’s what wives and mothers are for. But this time the usual chorus of naggers overlooked a critical faux pas: Every man on the planet puts his wallet in the wrong spot. For some unknown reason, guys universally keep their money, credit cards, and driver’s licenses in the back pockets of their pants, even though it makes far more sense to use the front ones. Yes, I realize there’s no wallet law or International Council on Billfold Placement, despite my lobbying for both. My congressman doesn’t take my calls anymore. It’s like he has something better to do at 3 a.m. But even without an oversight body, simple logic dictates that men should move their important documents to a place where they don’t fart on them all day. I have no idea why I’m the first one to think of that. I’m either brilliant or abnormally gassy.

    The only acceptable use for rear pockets is as a handle if I needs to pull someone out of quicksand.

    Since the invention of pants sometime in early 1982, men who put wallets in their back pockets have wasted trillions of man-hours, fallen victim to millions of thefts, and suffered countless sitting-related injuries. The fact that most guys use their back pockets doesn’t make it any less wrong. A few thousand years ago, everyone thought the earth was flat. Today, millions of people eat mayonnaise by choice. Clearly, just because lots of people do something doesn’t make it right. Wallets should go in the front and only the front. As for those garments that don’t have forward-facing pockets, men shouldn’t wear them in the first place because they’re probably yoga pants. Guys everywhere must unite to end back-pocket wallet placement once and for all. Here are six reasons why the survival of our species depends on it:

    Back-pocket wallets make everyone’s butts look funny.
    Every time a dude slips a wallet into his back pocket, he looks like he has a huge, rectangular tumor on his butt cheek. That was a perk long ago when men used paper money to attract mates. Back then, a huge bulge meant lots of cash, which was the only sure way to win a woman’s heart. But in the era of credit cards, all an oversized lump shows is that a man is hopelessly confused by digital currency. It’s safe to assume he still uses AOL and owns at least one butter churn. Maybe the girls at the strip club are impressed he has $40 in singles, but sophisticated ladies want plastic. Back-pocket wallets are a sex-repellent that could potentially halt all human reproduction. Forcing men to switch pockets seems like a small price to pay to avoid extinction.

    Back pockets are tragically undersized.
    Whoever decided men should jam their wallets in the smallest pockets on their pants definitely worked for a jeans company. The front pocket could easily accommodate a wallet with room to spare, but some clever lobbyist convinced people to use the back one, which barely has enough room to hold oxygen. Even a normal-sized wallet stretches the rear pocket to the breaking point. One false move and that fabric will tear, resulting in the catastrophic loss of everything inside it. Standard pants don’t come with a pocket failure alarm system, so an unsuspecting man could travel for miles before he realized he lost everything that proved he existed. In the best-case scenario, someone would steal his ID and ruin his credit, and in the worst case, the pocket blowout victim would be mistaken for a foreign spy and get shipped off to a secret prison. It happens all the time. In that tragic situation, even those who avoided incarceration would still have to buy new pants, which would mean more money in the jeans companies’ pockets - presumably the front ones since the people who make the pants know better.

    Men sit on their back pockets.
    Maybe this isn’t an issue for guys who sit bolt upright like they’re constipated at a formal tea party, but for normal human beings who slouch, back-pocket wallets always end up under their butt cheeks when they take a seat. That’s uncomfortable for men and damaging for furniture. Leave it to dudes to not think of the upholstery. Men who sit on their wallets appear slightly lopsided, which is yet another turnoff for the ladies. Believe it or not, women aren’t into the hunchback look. Potential sex partners aren’t the only ones who are disgusted. Cashiers don’t want to handle a credit card from some guy who sat on it like he was trying to hatch an egg. There’s a reason there aren’t any candles scented like butt fumes.

    The back pocket is a bullseye for criminals.
    Call me old fashioned, but I like to make potential felons work for my money. Instead of advertising my wealth to the world with a huge bulge in a spot where everyone but me can see it, I put my money in my front pocket where I can keep an eye on it. In addition to being in my line of sight, the front pockets are also deeper. A thief would have to be very determined and subtle to reach into that sensitive area, at which point he’d blur the line between a crime and a romantic encounter. Even if he didn’t get my wallet, he’d probably earn my phone number. That’s not such a bad trade-off.

    It’s harder for a man to reach his own wallet back there.
    This isn’t a problem for the young and spry, but at my age, the less I have to rotate my joints, the better. I don’t want a life-altering shoulder tear when I pull out my ID at the liquor store. The only way the back pocket could be more inconvenient is if it was directly between my shoulder blades. I better not give the jeans companies any ideas.

    A back-pocket wallet doesn’t protect anything vital.
    Like most well-adjusted adults, I spend a large part of my day wondering what would happen if I got hit by a stray bullet. A random round to the butt wouldn’t be fatal because I have a protective layer of fat. It turns out all those Cheetos could save my life. My front side is vulnerable, however, unless I protect it with a wallet. My forward-most pockets are directly over vital arteries. If I was struck in one of those spots, a thick wallet could stop the bullet with ease. That’s why I keep all my receipts in there. When layered together, those things are like Kevlar. I should tell the army.

    Even though my arguments are irrefutable, I’m a realist. I know men never change unless someone threatens to cut them off from sex. As workaround, I propose the world should outlaw back pockets. Without them, men would immediately experience the life-changing benefits of placing their wallets in a spot that makes sense. Eliminating the back pockets would also reduce how much fabric it takes to make pants, thereby allowing farmers to grow less cotton and more food. That simple change would make clothing cheaper and eliminate hunger overnight. There’s absolutely no downside to this plan. It’s time to eliminate back pockets once and for all. The continuation of our species depends on it.
    LOL!

    Exploding Unicorn
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  • #2
    Men sit on their back pockets.
    That can cause hip and low back problems especially if the wallet is thick.


    At work my wallet is with my cell phone and other stuff, not on me. I simply carry my debit and ID in my front shirt pocket.

    When I am out and about, I choose what I need out of my wallet and leave the wallet in the vehicle. For instance if I'm going to the doctor I put my insurance card, my FSA card, my ID, and my debit in my front shirt pocket. It's quicker also. If I'm going out to eat I will include cash in my shirt pocket for the tip, if it's a casino visit, my shirt pocket holds more then I can afford to lose.

    I have watched too many men and women both dig for several minutes in their purse or wallet never to find what they are looking for.

    Before debit, money clips worked nice or a combo money clip and small wallet that would easily slip in the front pocket. But when I'm working which at times can become pretty physical, I simply don't like things in my pockets that might fall out.
    Last edited by RobJohnson; Saturday, May 3, 2014, 9:44 PM.

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    • #3
      I don't wear jeans that can't accommodate a wallet. I don't think the problem is a wallet, it's guys wearing girl jeans.
      "Faith is nothing but a firm assent of the mind : which, if it be regulated, as is our duty, cannot be afforded to anything but upon good reason, and so cannot be opposite to it."
      -John Locke

      "It's all been melded together into one giant, authoritarian, leftist scream."
      -Newman

      Comment


      • #4
        The only things in my wallet are:

        SS card
        License
        2 debit cards
        1 blank check
        Draft card

        This is my 'money clip' and I carry my cash in my front pocket

        Robert Francis O'Rourke, Democrat, White guy, spent ~78 million to defeat, Ted Cruz, Republican immigrant Dark guy …
        and lost …
        But the Republicans are racist.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Gramps View Post
          The only things in my wallet are:

          SS card
          License
          2 debit cards
          1 blank check
          Draft card

          This is my 'money clip' and I carry my cash in my front pocket

          I have a money clip that my nephews purchased for my late father. It's engraved with the words "worlds best papa." The backside of the clip is for an ID and cards but it started to get too loose and things were falling out. I hated to stop using it.

          Everywhere you shop wants to give you a shopping card, a few of these I now have in my passport app on my iPhone and others are still in my wallet. Sure most of the places will let you use your phone number, but that takes longer then having them just swipe the card in most cases. I'm not sure why. Here in the land of casinos I also have several cards for casino player's clubs. They work out well for comp meals and rooms.

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          • #6
            Wallets in the front pocket are uncomfortable. Whoever is advocating for wallets in front pockets apparently has not had to sit at a desk or in a car with one while simultaneously owning a pair of testicles.

            I used to carry a wallet/daytimer in my front pocket of my jacket. That's all fine and dandy if you wear a jacket at pretty much all times (as I used to do), but it's just not practical in today's society in which jackets are seldom worn, even in the business world. I still wear a jacket to the office most days, though on warmer days I tend to not bother. It's just too much of a PIA most of the time, and practically no one who actually walks into my office is actually wearing a jacket.

            ALL wallets are targets for pick-pockets, just like all purses are. There is little one can do but be vigilant and punish the pick-pocketer severely, harshly, and immediately on the scene. Probably eighteen years ago, I caught someone trying to pick my pocket. I turned him upside down with his hand and broke three fingers in the process. My guess is that he never tried to pick a pocket ever again. I got a fast and frankly brutal education in dealing with pickpockets the moment we arrived in Poland on a train. The typical scene is that there are dozens, even hundreds of gypsies swarming a train platform, usually with children intentionally touching people to distract them while someone picks a pocket. A very sedate, very pacifist, and extremely engaging English gentlemen who was sharing our compartment made this lesson quite apparent: he caught the pick-pocket with his wallet in her hand, and he proceeded to beat her rather mercilessly right there on the platform. Her brother tried to intervene and the police beat the brother as well before the Englishman set in on him. THEN, he bought both of them meals at a restaurant at the bottom of the platform. The point was clear: be generous, but absolutely, positively do not accept crime without painful consequences.

            Some pick-pockets will succeed. Those who don't should be brutally beaten so that they never do it again. But I digress.

            As for sitting on a wallet, yes, that can suck. That having been said, I have a gun in the small of my back most days, so a wallet seems like nothing.



            And for the record, any guy who spends pretty much any amount of time worrying about how a wallet make his ass look has a severe problem.
            It's been ten years since that lonely day I left you
            In the morning rain, smoking gun in hand
            Ten lonely years but how my heart, it still remembers
            Pray for me, momma, I'm a gypsy now

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Adam View Post
              Wallets in the front pocket are uncomfortable. Whoever is advocating for wallets in front pockets apparently has not had to sit at a desk or in a car with one while simultaneously owning a pair of testicles.

              I used to carry a wallet/daytimer in my front pocket of my jacket. That's all fine and dandy if you wear a jacket at pretty much all times (as I used to do), but it's just not practical in today's society in which jackets are seldom worn, even in the business world. I still wear a jacket to the office most days, though on warmer days I tend to not bother. It's just too much of a PIA most of the time, and practically no one who actually walks into my office is actually wearing a jacket.

              ALL wallets are targets for pick-pockets, just like all purses are. There is little one can do but be vigilant and punish the pick-pocketer severely, harshly, and immediately on the scene. Probably eighteen years ago, I caught someone trying to pick my pocket. I turned him upside down with his hand and broke three fingers in the process. My guess is that he never tried to pick a pocket ever again. I got a fast and frankly brutal education in dealing with pickpockets the moment we arrived in Poland on a train. The typical scene is that there are dozens, even hundreds of gypsies swarming a train platform, usually with children intentionally touching people to distract them while someone picks a pocket. A very sedate, very pacifist, and extremely engaging English gentlemen who was sharing our compartment made this lesson quite apparent: he caught the pick-pocket with his wallet in her hand, and he proceeded to beat her rather mercilessly right there on the platform. Her brother tried to intervene and the police beat the brother as well before the Englishman set in on him. THEN, he bought both of them meals at a restaurant at the bottom of the platform. The point was clear: be generous, but absolutely, positively do not accept crime without painful consequences.

              Some pick-pockets will succeed. Those who don't should be brutally beaten so that they never do it again. But I digress.

              As for sitting on a wallet, yes, that can suck. That having been said, I have a gun in the small of my back most days, so a wallet seems like nothing.



              And for the record, any guy who spends pretty much any amount of time worrying about how a wallet make his ass look has a severe problem.

              I have never had an issue with anyone trying to pick pocket me. I'm not a bad ass or anything but people are kind of scared of me for some reason when it comes to looking for a crime target. Not saying that I won't end up getting my pockets picked the next time I walk out the door, it just has not happened. I have done some crazy stuff like saving a police officer's life that was surrounded by gang members, I was given a key to a city and all that stuff. I was not armed other then my natural arms. In the same town I chased down an armed robbery suspect and was close enough that the driver of the car got out to threaten me. That gave me plenty of time to get the plate number. I will probably die helping others.

              Comment


              • #8
                I wonder what the author thinks about women that carry purses large enough to hold a low yield nuclear weapon?
                We are so fucked.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by gary m View Post
                  I wonder what the author thinks about women that carry purses large enough to hold a low yield nuclear weapon?
                  That's my purse.
                  May we raise children who love the unloved things - the dandelion, the worm, the spiderlings.
                  Children who sense the rose needs the thorn and run into rainswept days the same way they turn towards the sun...
                  And when they're grown and someone has to speak for those who have no voice,
                  may they draw upon that wilder bond, those days of tending tender things and be the one.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I have some back issues so I definitely never put a wallet in a back pocket. Mine stay buttoned closed all of the time, anyway. Pickpockets can play grab-ass with me all they want, they won't find anything back there. I have a very compact clip-style wallet I found on Woot for cheap:

                    wallet.jpg

                    Money removed to show overall thickness. It has about 13 cards in it now, including ID, insurance and toll passes. It's such a slim fit that I barely notice it unless I'm wearing really tight pants. It and my phone together in the same front-right pocket are barely noticeable most of the time. Since I live in a hot clime and often wear shorts, the wallet is so far down the deep pockets I'm not too scared of pickpockets getting their hands in there without me feeling it. I'm very sensitive to touch, so I generally notice when people are brushing up against me in that region.
                    “Any sufficiently advanced capitalism is indistinguishable from rent seeking.” ~ =j

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Tom Servo View Post
                      I have some back issues so I definitely never put a wallet in a back pocket. Mine stay buttoned closed all of the time, anyway. Pickpockets can play grab-ass with me all they want, they won't find anything back there. I have a very compact clip-style wallet I found on Woot for cheap:

                      [ATTACH=CONFIG]132[/ATTACH]

                      Money removed to show overall thickness. It has about 13 cards in it now, including ID, insurance and toll passes. It's such a slim fit that I barely notice it unless I'm wearing really tight pants. It and my phone together in the same front-right pocket are barely noticeable most of the time. Since I live in a hot clime and often wear shorts, the wallet is so far down the deep pockets I'm not too scared of pickpockets getting their hands in there without me feeling it. I'm very sensitive to touch, so I generally notice when people are brushing up against me in that region.
                      I've had a similar set up and they work out pretty well.

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