The Dumbasses of Summer

[Hondo]

I love baseball. I love video games. So when I saw this game I had to have it.

Originally I had thought about trying to lure Bok into picking up the game as well, and then beating him like a gong in every aspect of running a franchise. Then I remembered that he spends what little extra cash he gets on vintage Albanian porn and craft beer, which is really just a rich man's way of describing shit beer. So I was left with having to find another way to pummel the Lone Star Mullet.

After much consultation with Mr. Bok, which consisted mainly of me trying to explain all of the words with more than two syllables, what we have decided to do is play through the 2014 season running a franchise together. What that really means is that I will be making all of the decisions while he will be fetching me coffee or getting another taste of the buggy whip. In a moment of what can only be described as temporary insanity, I allowed him to talk me into having us run the Texas Rangers. I was weak and I felt pity.

I will probably post in this thread updating our progress, putting up box scores as our mighty juggernaut thrashes the rest of the league, but mostly making fun of Bok, because frankly it just never gets old. I don't know if Bok will post anything or not, because after our consultation I'm not entirely sure that he understands fully what is going on.

[Billy Jingo]

For the record ..... 4-0

That is all.

[Hondo]

That's right, 4-0 to start. And then the wheels came off. But they didn't just fall off, no, they had quite a bit of help from my underling, who I stupidly allowed to tinker around with the batting order. I knew that when he made his suggestions I should have just patted him on the head and told him to fuck off, but I figured that since the Rangers are his team that he might actually know something about them. Instead, what I learned is that he is as dumb as nine chickens and knows no more about baseball or the Rangers than Glenn Danzig knows about astrophysics.

I have simulated the season up until tomorrow, and after our blazing 4-0 start, and after Bok's changes, we went 9-12. Now it was a blow to the team when Prince Fielder broke his hand and went on the 60-day DL, which I haven't yet found a way to blame on Bok, but one man doesn't carry the team.

Seriously, look at this shit, Bok. Look at it. In case you can't read that, we are in third place in our division. Unacceptable. Up your game or your ass is getting shipped down to the Hickory Crawdads.

[Billy Jingo]

Good Lord, it is early. Try not to wet your pants. We haven't even gotten our rotation healthy, yet.

[Hondo]

Good Lord, it is early. Try not to wet your pants. We haven't even gotten our rotation healthy, yet.

I understand that math isn't really something that you're familiar with. Unsurprising, really, because they hide that sort of important information in books. Let me lay some knowledge on you, Spalding. We went 9 and 12. That means that out of the last 21 games, we lost 12 of them. That's more than half. Expand your mind a little and picture us continuing on that path, losing 12 games out of every 21 games we play. When you get to the end of the season it's not a very pretty picture for us. Every game is an important game in Hondo's organization, Corky, and the faster you realize that the faster you can get yourself taken off the duty emptying out the drool and spit buckets in the senior citizen bleachers, mmmkay?

Also, I don't know what you are on about, our rotation is pretty healthy. Yu Darvish has been back for some time, and the only pitcher we still have on the DL is Derek Holland, who is out for another 3 weeks or so. Yes, he's good and we can certainly use him, but our rotation isn't in terrible shape, so stop trying to make excuses for your obvious failures.

So I have made an executive decision, Bok, which is really the only kind I make. I'm bringing up Joey Gallo, who has been knocking the fucking horsehide off the ball down in AA. Yes, it's AA, but I like this kid. The real reason I'm bringing him up is that his name sounds like a fucking mafioso. Maybe that's what we need in this organization, some kids who know how to take care of business out on the field, and who can beat the everloving shit out of opponents behind the bleachers. You savvy? To make room for him I am sending down Kevin Kouzmanoff. I don't like his face. Stop crying.

[phillygirl]

How is it that you two can geek up everything?

[Hondo]

How is it that you two can geek up everything?

I'm just good at everything.

For example, and I know this is going to sting a little, Bok, but I just simmed out today's game with Oakland and Joey Gallo hit a tater on his very first at bat. Boom! Headshot!

[scott]

I'm just geek at everything.

For example, and I know this is going to sting a little, Bok, but I just simmed out today's game with Oakland and Joey Gallo hit a tater on his very first at bat. Boom! Headshot!

Fixed

[Hondo]

Fixed

Also a true statement.

[Hondo]

Just a quick update.

It is now May 18th in our season, and under Bok's inspired leadership we have rocketed to the middle of our division, a full 6 games back of the Angels. As an enlightened professional sports franchise overlord, in the early stages I tend to take more of a hands-off approach to management, allowing my low-rent flunkies enough rope to hang themselves so to speak. Of course there are exceptions when I simply must step in, but for the most part I like to let the little people show me what they can do. Unfortunately, Bok is showing just what he is capable of, and that is mediocrity. That is unacceptable on Team Hondo.

Our overpaid pitching staff sucks. Our batting is too streaky for my liking. And these crybabies seem to think there is a revolving door to the DL.

So, Bok, I am issuing this order. You have until mid-June to get this ship back on course. No exceptions. No excuses. March, or die. I will offer you any assistance that you request. I can let you know which players other clubs are putting up on the trade block, I can tell you about what is available on the free agent market (but honestly that is very slim pickings) and i can give you info on who is performing well in the various levels of our minor league organizations and internationally.

If things don't take a turn for the better, Bok, then I will take a flamethrower to this lineup. I have a phone, and I have 12 million dollars of budget space.

[Billy Jingo]

Hey Noneck, did you see the spanking the Rangers put on the Botox last night?

Yu carried another no hitter to the last out. Until the ball and chain jinxed it.

[Hondo]

Hey Noneck, did you see the spanking the Rangers put on the Botox last night?

Yu carried another no hitter to the last out. Until the ball and chain jinxed it.

As my grandmother would say, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn every once in a while.

Now if only the real baseball season had anything at all to do with our game, then perhaps your statistical anomaly might have some relevance. Cluebat...it doesn't. In our little universe we just got swept in a three-game series by the Astros.

Get our club in order or the aforementioned flamethrower makes its grand entrance.

By the way, I got an email from Frasor begging us to give him another chance at closer so I am putting him back in for a few weeks to see if he improves. If we don't give him that shot we might as well trade him or have him whacked by the mob, because he will be so pissy he won't want to play for us.

[Billy Jingo]

As my grandmother would say, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn every once in a while.

Now if only the real baseball season had anything at all to do with our game, then perhaps your statistical anomaly might have some relevance. Cluebat...it doesn't. In our little universe we just got swept in a three-game series by the Astros.

Get our club in order or the aforementioned flamethrower makes its grand entrance.

By the way, I got an email from Frasor begging us to give him another chance at closer so I am putting him back in for a few weeks to see if he improves. If we don't give him that shot we might as well trade him or have him whacked by the mob, because he will be so pissy he won't want to play for us.

Which should tell you something about the game. The Astros couldn't sweep a living room with three brooms, two dustpans, and a Roomba.

Fuck Frasor (no, not literally you weirdo). He is not a closer.

I swear to God, I go to Tennessee for a few days and you fall apart.

[Billy Jingo]

Now stop bothering me with your bed wetting. The in-laws are about to arrive and I am in the garage working on the Sunbeam in an effort to avoid the Dutchman's awful puns.

[Novaheart]

Now stop bothering me with your bed wetting. The in-laws are about to arrive and I am in the garage working on the Sunbeam in an effort to avoid the Dutchman's awful puns.

I first saw a Sunbeam Alpine in 1974. I wanted it.