7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors

[Michele]

..That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders


1. We don’t let our children experience risk

We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. The “safety first” preoccupation enforces our fear of losing our kids, so we do everything we can to protect them. It’s our job after all, but we have insulated them from healthy risk-taking behavior and it’s had an adverse effect. Psychologists in Europe have discovered that if a child doesn’t play outside and is never allowed to experience a skinned knee, they frequently have phobias as adults. Kids need to fall a few times to learn it’s normal; teens likely need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require. If parents remove risk from children’s lives, we will likely experience high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders.

2. We rescue too quickly

Today’s generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did 30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them. When we rescue too quickly and over-indulge our children with “assistance,” we remove the need for them to navigate hardships and solve problems on their own. It’s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help. Sooner or later, kids get used to someone rescuing them: “If I fail or fall short, an adult will smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct.” When in reality, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world works, and therefore it disables our kids from becoming competent adults.

3. We rave too easily

The self-esteem movement has been around since Baby Boomers were kids, but it took root in our school systems in the 1980s. Attend a little league baseball game and you’ll see that everyone is a winner. This “everyone gets a trophy” mentality might make our kids feel special, but research is now indicating this method has unintended consequences. Kids eventually observe that Mom and Dad are the only ones who think they’re awesome when no one else is saying it. They begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality. When we rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face it.

4. We let guilt get in the way of leading well

Your child does not have to love you every minute. Your kids will get over the disappointment, but they won’t get over the effects of being spoiled. So tell them “no” or “not now,” and let them fight for what they really value and need. As parents, we tend to give them what they want when rewarding our children, especially with multiple kids. When one does well in something, we feel it’s unfair to praise and reward that one and not the other. This is unrealistic and misses an opportunity to enforce the point to our kids that success is dependent upon our own actions and good deeds. Be careful not to teach them a good grade is rewarded by a trip to the mall. If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love.

5. We don’t share our past mistakes

Healthy teens are going to want to spread their wings and they’ll need to try things on their own. We as adults must let them, but that doesn’t mean we can’t help them navigate these waters. Share with them the relevant mistakes you made when you were their age in a way that helps them learn to make good choices. (Avoid negative “lessons learned” having to do with smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs, etc.) Also, kids must prepare to encounter slip-ups and face the consequences of their decisions. Share how you felt when you faced a similar experience, what drove your actions, and the resulting lessons learned. Because we’re not the only influence on our kids, we must be the best influence.

6. We mistake intelligence, giftedness and influence for maturity

Intelligence is often used as a measurement of a child’s maturity, and as a result parents assume an intelligent child is ready for the world. That’s not the case. Some professional athletes and Hollywood starlets, for example, possess unimaginable talent, but still get caught in a public scandal. Just because giftedness is present in one aspect of a child’s life, don’t assume it pervades all areas. There is no magic “age of responsibility” or a proven guide as to when a child should be given specific freedoms, but a good rule of thumb is to observe other children the same age as yours. If you notice that they are doing more themselves than your child does, you may be delaying your child’s independence.

7. We don’t practice what we preach

As parents, it is our responsibility to model the life we want our children to live. To help them lead a life of character and become dependable and accountable for their words and actions. As the leaders of our homes, we can start by only speaking honest words – white lies will surface and slowly erode character. Watch yourself in the little ethical choices that others might notice, because your kids will notice too. If you don’t cut corners, for example, they will know it’s not acceptable for them to either. Show your kids what it means to give selflessly and joyfully by volunteering for a service project or with a community group. Leave people and places better than you found them, and your kids will take note and do the same.


After years of volunteering with kids that need extra help at our local elementary school, I see a lot of these practices. Unfortunately, some are very common..like 1, 2, 3 and 6.

[phillygirl]

Nice article. #7 is really important. I've always found that once a parent loses the moral authority high ground, all bets are off.

[Gingersnap]

Both #1 and #3 are critical.

As kids we were unsupervised in public a lot. Consequently, we met and interacted with all kinds of people including creepy pervs. We not only weren't traumatized by seeing by seeing some old guy's withered dick, we knew how to keep away from him and what to do about it. Ditto for pervs our own age.

We also learned to solve problems like how to get home, how to avoid known creep hangouts, why you should run the opposite way the car is pointed when dealing with rotten people, how to negotiate conflict, how to strike up a conversation with a kid you don't know, how to play for more than 2 hours without a meal or a snack, why you can't bleed to death if you scrape your knees or elbows, and why you shouldn't ride your bike fast on gravel. Useful stuff.

On the over-praising, I see this in kids I tutor. If you fail 6 out of 10 practice questions that you have been studying for, you aren't really doing a "great job". Older kids do know this but they are still kind of addicted to the empty praise. Even when they do poorly and know it, they will try to negotiate with me for some kind of elevated acknowledgement of effort. These kids are now in the workplace and they are kind of crushed when those negotiations don't work or worse yet - make them the butt of jokes.

Risk-taking practice and more objective assessments of performance may not anybody a great leader but they will probably make most people less annoying.

[Celeste Chalfonte]

..That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders


1. We don’t let our children experience risk

We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. The “safety first” preoccupation enforces our fear of losing our kids, so we do everything we can to protect them. It’s our job after all, but we have insulated them from healthy risk-taking behavior and it’s had an adverse effect. Psychologists in Europe have discovered that if a child doesn’t play outside and is never allowed to experience a skinned knee, they frequently have phobias as adults. Kids need to fall a few times to learn it’s normal; teens likely need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require. If parents remove risk from children’s lives, we will likely experience high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders.

Cannot begin to recall all the times I stood aside, encouraging but not helping, while HRH (who was always small for her age) worked on some new skill...and had some other parent or do-gooder either swoop in to "help" or tell me she was too little to do whatever she was doing (usually climbing something).

2. We rescue too quickly

Today’s generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did 30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them. When we rescue too quickly and over-indulge our children with “assistance,” we remove the need for them to navigate hardships and solve problems on their own. It’s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help. Sooner or later, kids get used to someone rescuing them: “If I fail or fall short, an adult will smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct.” When in reality, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world works, and therefore it disables our kids from becoming competent adults.

It's a fine line to walk. I've been accused of overprotecting and of allowing HRH too much responsibility for her own choices at too young an age. Sometime by the same people! No, I didn't let a very portable 6-year-old run around the kiddie section of Busch Gardens with only other kids. If you were a child molester, where would you hang out? Duh. Sometimes independence comes at too high a price. OTOH, over the years I have learned that a sincere "I'm sorry; sometimes things aren't fair." both gets the child's respect and teaches them to cope. When they're very little, you model the strategies for dealing with situations, from bullies to their own bad choices. As they get older, you give them the chance to use those strategies and develop their own.
3. We rave too easily

The self-esteem movement has been around since Baby Boomers were kids,...

You couldn't prove that by me. Our teachers and most other adults operated on the theory that if you praised kids (even when they deserved it), you would give them a "swelled head." I was EXPECTED to bring home straight A's. If someone hurt my feelings, I was expected to hold my head up and pretend it didn't matter. All through junior high, I absolutely HATED school dances but went to every one and came home and lied about how much fun I had, because to admit I was miserable the whole time would have been to admit failure.

...but it took root in our school systems in the 1980s. Attend a little league baseball game and you’ll see that everyone is a winner. This “everyone gets a trophy” mentality might make our kids feel special, but research is now indicating this method has unintended consequences. Kids eventually observe that Mom and Dad are the only ones who think they’re awesome when no one else is saying it. They begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality. When we rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face it.

I've seen this for sure. But it doesn't fool the kids. When HRH was in T-ball, they did the "everyone wins" thing. The kids on our team would ask, "Yeah, but who got the most runs?"

4. We let guilt get in the way of leading well

Your child does not have to love you every minute. Your kids will get over the disappointment, but they won’t get over the effects of being spoiled. So tell them “no” or “not now,” and let them fight for what they really value and need. As parents, we tend to give them what they want when rewarding our children, especially with multiple kids. When one does well in something, we feel it’s unfair to praise and reward that one and not the other. This is unrealistic and misses an opportunity to enforce the point to our kids that success is dependent upon our own actions and good deeds. Be careful not to teach them a good grade is rewarded by a trip to the mall. If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love.

HRH had lots of stuff. Still does. She's the youngest grandchild and the only girl out of the last 5 offspring in the family. Still, she learned that there were things we couldn't afford, things that weren't worth the price even if we COULD afford them, and that if something was important to you, you decided to not spend money on other things and save for the important one. She has never cared about designer labels, although she loves good quality, stylish clothes. But she likes style, not fashion or fad. She can put together an outfit from the thrift store that will knock your socks off. She has a whole closet full of prom and party dresses, few of which she paid more than $15 - $20 for.

5. We don’t share our past mistakes

Healthy teens are going to want to spread their wings and they’ll need to try things on their own. We as adults must let them, but that doesn’t mean we can’t help them navigate these waters. Share with them the relevant mistakes you made when you were their age in a way that helps them learn to make good choices.

Good plan. Of course, I mostly tell HRH about the mistakes Uncle Nova and Auntie made.

(Avoid negative “lessons learned” having to do with smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs, etc.)

Why? Be honest with your kids, but be sure to lie about the things they're actually likely to need guidance with? I call BS. More like, "it's ok to omit the things you're embarrassed to talk about."

Also, kids must prepare to encounter slip-ups and face the consequences of their decisions. Share how you felt when you faced a similar experience, what drove your actions, and the resulting lessons learned. Because we’re not the only influence on our kids, we must be the best influence.

Again, good advice. Except for that part about lying about drugs and alcohol. IF they believe you - and that's pretty unlikely - they'll just assume you were a hopelessly out of it dork, and therefore haven't a clue when you warn them not to make those mistakes. Sister and I have been honest with our kids. We tell them they're growing up in a very different world from our teen years. We were teens in a time out of time, when small amounts of pot were tossed out (or confiscated by cops or teachers for personal use, with stern warnings all around), when underage drinking was a rite of passage, punished by turning you over to your parents for a literal or figurative ass-whipping, when committing what would now be felony vandalism against another school's goalposts, mascot or football field was just high school rivalry, punishable if at all by forced labor to fix what did. One of DC's bridges used to get "graffittied" every year with "GO ST JOHN'S - BEAT GONZAGA!" These were NOT "thug" schools, people. The rules have changed, and part of equipping our kids to deal is being honest about the facts.

6. We mistake intelligence, giftedness and influence for maturity

Intelligence is often used as a measurement of a child’s maturity, and as a result parents assume an intelligent child is ready for the world. That’s not the case. Some professional athletes and Hollywood starlets, for example, possess unimaginable talent, but still get caught in a public scandal. Just because giftedness is present in one aspect of a child’s life, don’t assume it pervades all areas. There is no magic “age of responsibility” or a proven guide as to when a child should be given specific freedoms, but a good rule of thumb is to observe other children the same age as yours. If you notice that they are doing more themselves than your child does, you may be delaying your child’s independence.

Can't argue that, but the counterbalance is, just because the other kids are ready for their first sleepover doesn't mean yours is. You can model and encourage independence but if you try to force it before the individual child is ready, you achieve the opposite of your goal. There are milestones a child MUST achieve at a certain age, and others are optional. My child had to go to school at 5. She didn't have to sleep away or eat rare steak or go on roller coasters when other kids did.

7. We don’t practice what we preach

As parents, it is our responsibility to model the life we want our children to live. To help them lead a life of character and become dependable and accountable for their words and actions. As the leaders of our homes, we can start by only speaking honest words – white lies will surface and slowly erode character. Watch yourself in the little ethical choices that others might notice, because your kids will notice too. If you don’t cut corners, for example, they will know it’s not acceptable for them to either. Show your kids what it means to give selflessly and joyfully by volunteering for a service project or with a community group. Leave people and places better than you found them, and your kids will take note and do the same.


After years of volunteering with kids that need extra help at our local elementary school, I see a lot of these practices. Unfortunately, some are very common..like 1, 2, 3 and 6.

Some of these are just good rules to live by. But whenever I hear someone start a sentence with "kids need..." or "kids today don't..." or "you should make your kids do...," I want to shake them and say, "Kids are individuals. Live the way you want your child to learn to be. But don't sweat the small stuff, don't assume your child will hit certain milestones on schedule (s/he may be way ahead on some and way behind on others), and what works with one child may fail miserably with another.

If you are happy with the person you are, follow your gut instincts with your child. Children show you what they need (hint: it's not always or even usually what they WANT). If you think you're not worth much, 1. rethink having a child until you've worked through your own stuff some and/or 2. pick someone you respect and model your parenting on that person.

[scott]

While there is a lot of good surface information in the article, it's still not very good. It breaks concepts down into a checklist of sorts and that's just as bad as being a helicopter parent. There are too many checklists perverting parenting these days.

As Celeste said, kids are individuals. All of my kids are smart, but Valerie has been identified as being especially gifted. Therefore, I get a lot of feedback from "professionals" about her development and every single one of them trying to meddle has a list of one type or another to gauge our parenting. They of course would never guess that Valerie likes to mess with them, play the victim, use them as pawns in her bargaining strategy, etc. In most cases they think she's not smart enough to catch onto their methods and are surprised when I point out what she's doing, what she's going to do next, and why. They always wonder how I know, and I tell them that it's a mix of experience with her and knowing what I would do.

It's so funny how much "insight" these people think they have into the behavior of a child they've observed for a few hours or weeks but then assume that Mel and I are clueless even though we've observed her for her entire life. But then again most of these people are of the social worker variety (lots of teachers and gifted program coordinators are social workers or they think they are) and lots of them don't have kids.

This list reminds me of how I'm approached with "help" by people who aren't really that interested in helping my daughter, she's just a fascinating toy for them. One program lead had a good bit of "advice" for me and I told her to go ahead and try those methods over the next week (camp) and let me know how that worked out. Three days into it she told me that she didn't understand why Valerie wasn't responding as well as the other kids. "She's smarter than you and she knows what you're trying to do."

[Michele]

As Celeste said, some of these are just good rules to live by. But I don't think it was a strict checklist of what a parent needs to do as much as an observation of the youth of today. Yes, it's probably a generalization because they didn't qualify "most" and "some" in every sentence. Still, I think there are a lot of valid points. Kids are indeed individuals but 1, 2, 3, and 6 are more that I've seen while working with kids these last ten years AND observing their parents behavior.